Do you and your partner feel like housemates? Are you disengaged and feel taken for granted?
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You found time to be together whenever you could. Long into the night you would talk and share things, whether together or on the phone. You found you could talk about yourselves, past relationships, hope and dreams that you shared, personal disappointments, even your failures. You could talk about everything as you sensed that your partner was eager to know all there was about you. It felt safe to say anything because you partner loved you and did not judge you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He starts to notice a difference in her and enquires, "Are you OK?" "Yes", she answers sharply. "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" he persists. "Yes, I'm OK", she barks back. He also is a little taken aback by her negative response. From now on he also becomes selective about speaking, in case there is a negative response. And so begins a decrease of intimacy - of telling each other what is going on inside of head and heart - because now there is the risk of a negative response.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
His approaches for sexual intimacy, which he needs to help reassure him that the relationship is not completely lost, are discouraged. Her need for love centers on her being able to talk about what she feels when he snaps at her before she can commit to sex. Her several responses of, "No, not tonight" cause him to stop asking for sex, knowing full well that he will be rejected. Once he stops approaching her for physical intimacy, her unmet need for intimate conversation increases and her feelings of rejection grow. She now feels emotionally and physically rejected.
Housemates - As housemates there is no emotional intimacy in the relationship any more. Neither he nor she is talking about feelings, only about safe topics. She feels that she is walking around him on eggshells. He rehearses things in his head that he would like to say to her, but then never says in case she goes hysterical. There is no sex and a decreasing level of trust. Resentments, suspicion, and confusion are rising, as the petty arguments and the bickering increases. The Housemate syndrome has arrived. - 20763
Deepest intimacy - Remember back to when you were first with you partner and your relationship was just starting? You were so in love and shared everything, talking for hour upon hour about everything. You couldn't get enough of each other, right?
You found time to be together whenever you could. Long into the night you would talk and share things, whether together or on the phone. You found you could talk about yourselves, past relationships, hope and dreams that you shared, personal disappointments, even your failures. You could talk about everything as you sensed that your partner was eager to know all there was about you. It felt safe to say anything because you partner loved you and did not judge you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He starts to notice a difference in her and enquires, "Are you OK?" "Yes", she answers sharply. "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" he persists. "Yes, I'm OK", she barks back. He also is a little taken aback by her negative response. From now on he also becomes selective about speaking, in case there is a negative response. And so begins a decrease of intimacy - of telling each other what is going on inside of head and heart - because now there is the risk of a negative response.
The bedroom - Soon difficulties in the bedroom begin. She is now harboring resentments against him - hurts that haven't gone away because of his earlier negative responses. He is also feeling some confusion and resentment, noticing that she is slightly distant and starting to snap and bicker more. Her short sarcastic responses really hurt. They are intended to hurt, of course. Both are starting to feel that the relationship is not as deep and connected as it used to be.
His approaches for sexual intimacy, which he needs to help reassure him that the relationship is not completely lost, are discouraged. Her need for love centers on her being able to talk about what she feels when he snaps at her before she can commit to sex. Her several responses of, "No, not tonight" cause him to stop asking for sex, knowing full well that he will be rejected. Once he stops approaching her for physical intimacy, her unmet need for intimate conversation increases and her feelings of rejection grow. She now feels emotionally and physically rejected.
Housemates - As housemates there is no emotional intimacy in the relationship any more. Neither he nor she is talking about feelings, only about safe topics. She feels that she is walking around him on eggshells. He rehearses things in his head that he would like to say to her, but then never says in case she goes hysterical. There is no sex and a decreasing level of trust. Resentments, suspicion, and confusion are rising, as the petty arguments and the bickering increases. The Housemate syndrome has arrived. - 20763
About the Author:
More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a decrease in intimacy once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling's website, which is all about surviving indifference.
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